Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Will All Combatants Please Stand Down?

I've gone dark. Incommunicato. I shut down when hit with emotional sniper fire and I unknowingly stepped onto a land mine recently. I've definitely not been maintaining homeostasis because, well, sometimes survival mode just takes precedence.

To some people, life is an extended dining table of delectable delights. Sumptious pleasures bursting with flavour, ripe for the taking from a shimmering crystal-cut bowl. In my world, life is the tablecloth that is yanked out from under me. This maneovure has typically been exucuted neatly, efficiently and always without warning.

I will not post the personal details of my latest brush with shell-shock. I will not embarrass anyone who is a constant in my life. That being said, I was hit with a hand-grenade that, temporarily, rocked my world. I never claimed to be a soldier. My preferred method of coping is to curl into a fetal position until a ceasefire has been declared.

This attack on me was unjustified, untrue and just plain old mean. I cried, I sniffled, I blew my nose and spent an alarming amount of time spooning with my husband.

Such attacks on my character propel me into a spiral of self-doubt and intense, painful self-recrimination. There is a reason that I blame myself, rather than my attacker. This is a dysfunctional, yet typical reaction to childhood molestion. And, that story is fodder for a novel, not a blog. Or, perhaps, a blog-ograhpy.

To my credit, it took me 2 1/2 days to crawl out of my self-made fox-hole as opposed to 3 or 4, which was a given in years past. So, progress is being made, albeit in small increments. No one ever said healing is a linear process.

War? What is it good for? Absolutely nothing.

3 comments:

  1. You are brave to talk about hurtful episodes from your past. You are an inspiration to others showing that healing can occur by small steps over time.

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  2. I love your writing style and the descriptive elements, analogies, and wonderful adjectives you use. You are a superb writer and make so many poignant points. You are brave to share your darker moments but I applaud the way you are doing it. Okay, you're my damn hero!

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  3. Awww, shucks, Laurie! Thank you so much for your positive feedback and kudos. I appreciate it - and need a bit of a pat on the back to keep persevering with this blog.

    Thank you, both, for reading. I've always been one to wear my heart on my sleeve, maybe a little too much at times. I find sharing my thoughts to be very cathartic and healing.

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