Saturday, November 26, 2011

Bloggus Interruptus

I've been away from the blogosphere long enough to be forgotten. That is, assuming I ever was a somebody.  I ran away.  Various factors led to my 'exit stage left'.  I blame the 4F's's:  fibromyalgia, fibro fog, fatigue and fear.  Yep, fear.  I allowed a hateful  internet 'troll' to get to me.  My last post was in October and an Anonymous Asshole left a stinging hit and run commentary and I quickly became the road kill.  This nasty incident had me questioning myself, my writing, my motives for blogging and why I wrote anything at all. Things were so bad that I questioned my worth as a person.  I swallowed the hate and disintegrated into little bits. I crawled into my fibro cave and I was terrified to write another word.  That was my first mistake.

I looked for redemption, for proof that I was not this horrible person I was being accused of.  Totally knocked off balance, I needed reassurance from people to validate me as a person. That was my second mistake.  I was looking for love in all the wrong places.  I knew I was loved by my family and friends and that felt warm, fuzzy and wonderful. But it wasn't enough.  I didn't understand that all I had to do was click my heels together three times to go home and I would find what I needed.  The love, the acceptance I craved was right there in my own back yard, within myself, but I didn't know how to harvest it.

For me, learning to trust myself for my own validation has been a difficult lesson.  Still, I have to admit that I was pleasantly overwhelmed by the flood of support from friends, followers and my online family.  It did feel good knowing that so many people cared for me and defended my character.  It touched my heart and I will carry that with me, always.

By publicly sharing my life, I know that I open myself up to scrutiny.  I expected that.  Not everyone will agree with me, or like my blog. This is an inevitable by-product for letting people in to read about your junk.  But I never,ever, thought someone would attack me so viciously, at such a personal level.  After I was blind-sided by Anonymous, I looked at my blog statistics, to find where it gathered the most traffic.  I expected to see the majority of hits from Canada and the States.  I was stunned to see I had an audience in South Africa, parts of Mexico and several countries in Europe!  I was gob-smacked!  Right then and there, I realized  how vulnerable and exposed I was ... that anyone on the planet could comment on my life, judge or persecute me. I needed protection, practical and Divine.  After adjusting security settings, I created a spiritual shield, an imaginary 'favourite blanket'.  It had to be impervious to both aggression and hatred.

 My sacred blanket now enfolds me.  I will never again allow anyone to get inside of me, to trash my inner sanctuary.  Mistakes one and two led to Number One Lesson Learned:  Resilience.

Today,  I have no agenda or fibro information to impart. I just want to say that I'm  BACK.  I guess in a weird kind of way I can thank Anonymous for that!

Thanks for reading.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              

7 comments:

  1. Glad to see you blogging again Cathy!

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  2. I just recently (September-ish) found your blog and very much enjoy what you have written. It is so easy to allow other people to ruin something good in our lives. I'm glad to see you are back and stronger than ever! Thanks for what you do!

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  3. Ladies, thanks for the vote of confidence. Laci, I super-duper appreciate your comment!!

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  4. My Lovely Catherine

    Don't be put off by the hate-mongers of the world. I worked in a very insulated and protected environment between 1974 and this year. This year I started working at a call centre - ... i think they call them "call" centres because they "call you every name in the book". I don't have FM but I am so unfamiliar with these "hate" calls, particularly from those callers that "make it personal". I had one today that after the man thanked me for wasting his time, and me telling him you're welcome and he saying "smartass" ... I literally fell apart. I was in tears, I was halfway hysterical to think anyone could say these things to me .. he was so beyond abusive to me before this last exchange ...

    I told my son tonight that I want a voodoo doll, so I can prick pins into people who hurt me for no reason. I did everything possible to help this man with his cable tv problem but he made it my fault that the first technician I could send out was Tuesday.

    I am coming to see (I was in big business before and didn't encounter too many redneck idiots) that some people are just MEAN.

    This saddens me .. especially for them, but I am appalled at the effect it has on me. I need to develop a whole bunch of dino armour.

    You're the best FibroCathy .....

    Love your Orillia Bud

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  5. Thanks for sharing your experience, my Bud. Yes, that sounds like a difficult line of work to be in if you don't have a thick hide - which I happen to know that neither of us possesses. I agree with you - about the depth of anguish we 'let' ourselves feel because of some insensitive comments. It certainly felt like a loss of control on my part. After that hateful blog that I received, I realized I had to protect myself, online, psychologically and spiritually. It is a work in progress. Thanks for reading.

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